Being dead
by ImagingThings
Summary: Complete silliness! The dead are having a rather interesting day. Warning: Completely depreived of meaning. Turned into a longer story.
1. Madness starts

Being dead

"Oh no Creevey. Not you as well."

The slightly hoarse voice made Colin open his eyes, after a while his sight came back into focus and he saw the last person he'd ever expected to see.

"Professor Lupin?" he said, rather confused, getting to his legs. Remus Lupin had been one of his, practically his first, Defence against the Dark Arts teacher. He never really considered Lockhart a Defence teacher.

"Where am I?"

"You're dead! You should've done what professor McGonagall told you. Doing what teachers tell you is pretty smart sometimes."

"Yes Moony. Because you _always _did what the teachers told you, right?"

Turning to see who the speaker had been Colin saw a group of three men about Lupin's age and a red-headed girl. The person who'd spoken looked remarkable like Harry, except for the eyes; however the girl had those eyes so it didn't take him long to guess they were his, Harry's, parents. He also recognized the second man as Sirius Black. Who the third was he had no clue.

"I only said _sometimes_ Prongs. Not _always_. If a teacher tells you to escape so you won't get killed that's pretty smart"

While they'd spoken a group of people had appeared.

"Alright, Colin. Guess I'd better introduce you. James and Lily Potter. Sirius Black. Peter Pettigrew. Regulus Black. Gideon and Fabian Prewett. I believe you already know Fred Weasley. Cedric Diggory but him you probably knew a little as well. Snape and Dumbledore you also knew. Alastor "Mad-eye" Moody. Percival, Kendra and Ariana Dumbledore. Gellert Grindelwald. Mrs Abbott, that's Hannah Abbotts's mum. Mrs Lovegood, Luna's mum. Amelia Bones. Gregorovitch. Igor Kakaroff. Dobby. Ted Tonks. Merope Gaunt. Tom Riddle Sr. and Nymphadora Lupin."

In turn each of the presented inclined their head towards Colin who nodded back in return. For a moment the group seemed unsure of what to say to each other. Until a high pitched shrill pierced the air.

"IT'S UNFAIR! I DON'T WANNA BE DEAD. THAT MOLLY WEASLEY KILLED ME JUST BECAUSE I ALMOST KILLED THAT DAUGTER OF HERS."

They all turned in shock, seeing no less than Bellatrix Lestrange making a tantrum worthy of a three year old. Unfortunately, not only for her but for the others as well, Fred had heard her comment about almost killing Ginny and lunged forwards.

"YOU. ALMOST. KILLED **MY SISTER?**"

Only the combined power of James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Regulus, Gideon, Fabian, Cedric, Mad-eye, Severus, Percival, Albus, Gellert, Gregorovitch, Igor, Ted and Tom managed to hold him back from attacking Bellatrix. Then something very strange happened; Merope, who'd been rather quiet until then, went up and slapped the person who'd been with Bellatrix. The person was no less than Lord Voldemort or Tom Riddle Jr. he didn't look like Voldemort any more, rather like the Riddle of the Diary.

"YOU HAVE BEEN A _REALLY _BAD BOY! TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE, YOU'VE HOUSE ARREST!"

Everyone's jaw literally dropped. After all, it's not everyday you witness the self-proclaimed Dark Lord get a house arrest by his mother. It's not everyday either to see said Dark Lord sulk.

"I don't want a house arrest. It's not fair. I'm off age; you can't boss around with me."

"ALL THESE PEOPL, well except from these, WOULD HAVE BEEN ALIVE TODAY IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU! SO I SUGGEST YOU JUST GO TO YOUR ROOM OR WHATEVER."

Sourly Tom Jr. turned and walked away fro the group. Bellatrix was about to join him when four new people arrived at the scene.

"MUM? DAD?" Sirius Regulus and Bellatrix said as with one mouth. The four people were no less than Walburga and Orion Black, Sirius and Regulus' parents. And Cygnus and Cedrella Black, Bellatrix' parents. Before anyone could say anything Walburga started yelling:

"HALF BREEDS! BASTARDS! FREAKS! DISHONOURING THE BLOOD OF MY FATHERS." She continued ranting until both Sirius and Regulus had gotten enough.

"OH SHUT UP!"

The four of them left again while Tonks gave a deep sigh.

"Merlin. She's worse than that picture."

"Did anyone mention my name?" No less than Merlin himself appeared to the scene, to everyone's surprise together with Rufus Scrimgeour. The former minister seemed rather uncomfortable in the legendary wizard's company.

"OKAY! CUT!" ImagingThings yelled, suddenly appearing, shocking everyone half to dead, or she would have if it wasn't for the fact that they were already dead. "I'M THE ONE WRITING THE BLOODY STORY AND I DON'T WANNA WRITE ABOUT EVERY FREAKY FAMOUS WITCH OR WIZARD! GET IT?"

Everyone nodded quickly, not daring to cross the insane figure that had popped up. After a while she turned towards Bellatrix,

"Uhm, piece of late advice Bella, killing Sirius Black is not really going to make you popular amongst the fan-girls." That comment prompted Sirius into the weirdest dance anybody had ever seen. "Nor will killing Dobby. Okay you got it? Everyone else who appears will have to be content with just standing in the background doing nothing."

Again there was broad nodding everywhere except from Igor, Gellert and Gregorovitch who was speaking Bulgarian or Russian or whatever together.

"SÅ TAL DOG DANSK MENNESKER!" ImagingThings yelled which for some reason made everyone look at her like she was crazy (which she is). "Or if you think that's easier you could speak English. That'll do."

"What exactly did you speak before?" Colin asked confused, "It sounded rather well, meaningless to me."

"Hey! That's not meaningless. It's Danish."

"Who speaks Danish anymore?"

"PEOPLE IN DENMARK! DANES!"

"Denmark. Isn't that a city in Sweden?"

That made her literally pull her hair, causing her already spiky and messy hair to stand completely in the air.

"A CITY IN SWEDEN? DON'T YOU HAVE GEOGRAPHY LESSONS? HOW STUPID IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE? HALF OF ENGLAND HAS BEEN DANISH TEORITORY. Long time ago, in the Viking Age but still. HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY NOT KNOW WHAT DENMARK IS?"

"Sorry."

"Thank you. Read you geography." With those words she was gone.

"Okay." Fred said, looking rather shaken. "I don't hope she comes back any day soon."

"Why not?" Amelia began, "I mean, she had quite a temper but I'd get angry too if anyone thought the country I came from, which is England I know, was a city in another country."

"I thought I'd gotten rid of red-headed furies."

"Me too." Gideon and Fabian added. Growing up with Molly they were used to angry, red-headed girls.

"Gotten rid of red-headed furies?" James said, exaggerated. "Hello guys. Lily's here."

If looks could kill James probably would have died a second time by the menacing glances Lily shot towards him.

"So," Regulus began, clearly trying to get everyone to talk in a civil tone. "Does anybody here play quidditch? Well I know you do James. After all we did have quite a few matches against each other."

"I play too. I'm seeker."

"Cool. Me too."

"I was beater." Fred offered.

"We have two seekers and a beater. That doesn't make a team."

"Gideon and I were beaters too."

"I can surely play beater as well." Sirius came in. "So, if me and Fred goes together with Cedric here, no that's right Reggie, don't wanna be on team with you, then you could be chaser for us Prongs. And we'll just need two more chasers and a keeper."

"Alright Padfoot."

"That's unfair. You're a step ahead. Severus?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think you could play chaser?"

"Against those two? You bet."

"Wormtail, you always dreamed of being keeper right?"

"Yes but I wasn't that good was I?"

"No. But I think considering the fact that you're dead you'll probably be like, awesome."

"I'm in."

"Colin, you think you could play chaser?"

"Yeah… I guess."

"Lily and Tonks you'll be our other chasers."

"Mrs Lovegood you up for being chaser?"

"Yes."

"Then you can be keeper if that's alright Moony."

"Fine with me. And Dora, don't think I'll let you score easy."

"I already did. Didn't I?"

"SHOULD WE PLAY?"

And before long 14 people were zooming around on broomsticks there had miraculously appeared on a pitch which had appeared in a similarly way.

* * *

Okay, that was rather pointless I know.

**Så tal dog dansk mennesker **Speak Danish people.


	2. Not so insane

The other's story

After they'd watched the came in silence for a few moments Dobby decided he'd better comment the game.

"AND LOVEGOOD GOT THE QUAFFLE. SHE THROWS IT TO SNAPE BUT UNFORTUNATELY IT'S TAKEN BY POTTER WHO GIVES IT OVER TO POTTER that sounded weird SHE'S ATTEMPTING TO SCORE BUT LUPIN SAVES IT. AND CREEVEY'S GOT THE QUAFFLE, HE HEADS FOR THE GOAL. AND HE SCORES."

The game went on for long time. Both teams were amazingly well going considering that some of them had never played while alive. However, people was about to get bored.

"When are they letting the snitch loose?" Ariana asked. That made them think about something; how had the brooms, the pitch and the balls appeared? And who was supposed to let the snitch go?

"Sorry. Forgot. Here it goes." Before any of them could react ImagingThings had again appeared, letting the Snitch go before she was gone again.

"LUPIN'S GOT THE QUAFFLE. SHE SCORES again. BLACK HAS SEEN THE SNITCH. SO HAS DIGGORY. WHO WILL CATCH IT? AND IT'S BLACK."

They cheered while the winning team took a round. Still the idea of a tournament sort of disappeared considering that they weren't enough people to play.

"We can ask around." Regulus offered. "It'll be fun with a quidditch tournament for dead, won't it?"

"Yeah…"

Getting a broom each, also those who hadn't played, they started to fly off towards wherever. Even Dobby had gotten a miniscule broom.

They hadn't flown for long when Mrs Abbott noticed that they were being followed by no less than the red-headed fury that'd appeared before the game.

"Aren't you muggle?"

"So is he." She answered pointing at Tom Riddle Sr. "Besides I'm the one writing the story. However this seems to just do whatever it wants so it could be fun hanging out here for a while."

"And you aren't going to yell at us or anything?"

"Only if you're being stupid Freddie."

Deciding not to inform the girl that his name wasn't Freddie, after all she _did _have some authority by being the writer of the story, Fred quickly returned to fly with his uncles. No need to tempt fate there.

When they'd flown for a while they came to a nice lake and decided to have a picnic, which of course is extremely strange but remember; the writer's part of the story now. She was also remarkable friendly considering the way she'd yelled earlier.

"What's you name?" Mrs Lovegood asked.

"Anne."

"Just Anne?"

"Anne Berthe Lund Jensen. So, you figured Denmark isn't a part of Sweden?"

"Well, after your lecture earlier."

"Good. Or you'd be really thick-headed. So, what's in the baskets?"

They sat down and ate the delicious food while enjoying the view over the lake.

"Really hope Aunt Bella and the others won't turn up here. Really."

"Yeah…" Anne said her mouth stuffed with food. "I understand. After all she killed you."

The silence was so you could drop a needle and still hear it.

"How do you know that?"

"The internet. That's a muggle thing. That and the epilogue. I know everything there happens."

"Tell us."

"Right. Bill and Fleur have three children. A daughter born May the 2nd who's called Victoire. Another daughter called Dominique and a son called Louis. Charlie never marries. Percy marries a girl called Audrey and has two daughters called Molly and Lucy. George and Angelina get married. They name their son Fred and their daughter Roxanne. Ron and Hermione marry, you might've guessed, their children are called Rose and Hugo. Harry and Ginny also marry and have three children; James Sirius, Albus Severus and Lily Luna. Neville and Hannah marry; Neville becomes Herbology professor while Hannah becomes the landlady of the Leaky Cauldron. Luna marries Newt Scamander's grandson Rolf and has twins called Lorcan and Lysander. That's it."

"Who in their right mind calls their child James Sirius?" Remus said, looking rather shocked. "And what happens to Ted?"

"Yeah. You forgot him. You can't just forget my son."

"Sorry. He grows up with Andromeda and after some years falls in love with Victoire. James catches them snogging at King's Cross when Ted's 19."

When the sun was about to set they prepared to return to the pitch. Anne said she'd better get home too.

Suddenly they all heard a loud thud and looked down to see Anne lying on the ground having fallen off her broom.

"THIS IS TOO STUPID. WHY AM I WRITING A STORY WHERE I FALL OFF A BROOM?" she yelled before she was gone again.

"I think she's really nice." Ariana said matter-of-factly. "A little crazy yes but really nice. Hope she'll come back another day."

"Me too." Merope said smiling.

The sun was down and everybody went to bed.


	3. Of time leaps, music and geography

The other's story

The next morning when they stepped outside they were surprised to discover that Anne was already there, walking randomly around singing something which took a while for them to catch:

Moj beli cvet  
Moj daljni svet  
Daj, vrni se  
Moj bodi spet

Za vedno vse moje  
V življenju tvoje je  
Cvet z juga, blizu morja še…

"Hello!" Sirius yelled, trying to get her attention, soon after all the others began too, however she seemed completely ignorant of the yelling. Finally Fred lost patience and ran over and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Oh… hey…" She said while pressing a button on a thing hanging around her neck and taking some thingies out of her ears. "Didn't hear you."

"I sorta figured. We were all yelling at you. What was it you were singing anyway? Didn't sound English, was it Danish?"

While they had talked they'd walked back to the others who all seemed just as curious as Fred about what she'd been singing.

"Oh… no. It's Slovenian."

"You speak Slovenian?" Igor looked like he was about to fall down.

"Nah… not really… doesn't really know what she's singing… something about saying goodbye to her love and giving him a white flower…"

"Why do you have a Slovenian song?" Gellert asked curiously.

"It's the Slovenian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest from 2007."

"2007?" Severus said, looking at Anne like she had dumped down from the moon, well; she'd dumped into her own story and that's just as crazy. "We are in the year 1998. Well, that's when I died anyway… the year of the battle."

"It's true…" Remus began…

"Oh… time differences. I come from the year 2008. Back in 1998 I was an innocent little ten year old girl."

"Er…" Fred began, "Are we supposed to believe that?" he finished, seeking shelter behind his uncles.

"That I was innocent? Nah… not really."

"So. That also explains why I've never heard about or seen that thing hanging around your neck, even though I'm muggle born." Colin said. "A lot of things could have happened in ten years."

"Yeah… it's an Mp3. music storing and playing devise. And it's really been fast with these… I thing the first ones were 128 mega byte. This one's one giga byte, a giga byte is thousand mega bytes, and that's a pretty small and outdated one… they come with 30 giga bytes and some of them can even play videos. But… the they are rather clumsy and have no need for one that big… though I do consider updating to a two GB one."

Not surprisingly it was only Colin who vaguely understood what she was talking about.

"You watch Eurovision?" he asked.

"Yeah… began to around 2000."

"I also watch it… would have watched it on the day this year instead of when I was back from Hogwarts as I did the other years, the only good thing about being unable to attend school, if I hadn't… well… died. Do you know who won?"

"Yes. Israel. Dana International with a song called Diva. It's really good."

"Oh… I heard a bit about her… she used to be a man right?"

"Okay." Regulus said, "Call me stupid but what on earth, or in this case the afterlife, do you mean about 'she used to be a man'?"

"Gender swap." Anne said, looking at Regulus like he was stupid.

"You muggles are crazy." Regulus said.

"Yup." Sirius said, then clasping his hand over his mouth. "Merlin. I agreed with Reggie."

"Who won the other years? I mean… after I died…" Colin asked.

"In 1999 it was Sweden with Charlotte 'Take me to your heaven.' In 2000 it was Denmark with Olsen Brothers 'Fly on the wings of love.'"

"Bet you like that." Merope said smiling.

"Yeah… not a bad song at all. And pretty surprising. A lot of the other countries had huge scene shows and everything. They, the Olsen Brothers, were just two elderly men with a guitar each who, sang. Everyone held their lighters up in the air when the sang the refrain the last time. Oh… in 2001 it was Estonia with Tanel Padar, Dave Benton and 2XL 'Everybody.' In 2002 it was Latvia with Marie N 'I wanna.' in 2003 it was Turkey with Sertab Erener 'Everyway that I can.' in 2004 it was Ukraine with Ruslana 'Wild dance.' In 2005 it was Greece with Elena Paparizou 'My number one.' In 2006 it was Finland with Lordi 'Hard rock hallelujah.' And finally in 2007 it was Serbia with Marija Serifovic 'Molitva.' The first one since Diva which didn't contain any words in English after the lifted the languages rule. Ruslana's was part English part Ukrainian."

"You said Serbia." Gregorovitch began. "Don't you mean Serbia & Montenegro?"

"Nope. They broke the uniting in 2006. And Kosovo has just declared that they are independent from Serbia…"

In the end they had a rather educating history and geography talk.


End file.
